Thirty minutes…that was all it took for me to realize how much of a colossal fail this video game is. I mean okay, the console version seems to be debatable in terms of enjoyment, but if there’s anything any critic should agree on, it’s that this game is absolutely horrendous! I thought that maybe since Shattered Dimensions on the DS was slightly entertaining, and Web of Shadows was pretty good save for being short, that maybe, just maybe, this game could be awesome! I was so f****** wrong, that it’s both sad and—No. Just bad. That’s all. It has to be the worst game I have ever played on the DS. How bad is it? I’d rather play Orphen Scion of Sorcery. That is the level of crap you will be dealing with in this game. No, no. Not just that, but if you can wrap your head around it, this game is WORSE than X-Men Destiny for the DS. Allow those facts to settle in before continuing.
But you want to know what’s wrong, don’t you? Well even if not, your eyes are glued to this site, so I might as well just tell you what is so abysmally horrific about this embarrassment of a game. And before anyone dares to say that I am not a Spider-Man fan, I’ll have you know that he is indeed my favorite, not just one favorite, I mean THE favorite Marvel superhero of all time. Not even Captain America or Wolverine can top my love for this character, though Wolverine does come at an extremely close second. Point is I loved everything about the Spider-Man series, save for Spider-Man 3 and a handful of crap games. But that’s a topic for another day.
However, before I get to the bad, allow me to get to the good of how much stuff I was able to uncover in 30 minutes. The voice acting for the game thankfully is good, with the voice of the Spider-Man from the cartoon in 1994 returning at long last as the voice of Spider-Man 2099. This little bit of fan service made my expectations higher for this game, a foolish, FOOLISH, thing to do. Another good thing is the character portraits, which look nicely, though not perfect, but hey, they are the best animation in this hunk of crap. Plus, rather than get a limited amount of villains like in Edge of Time console versions, there are more variety of villains, like Menace, Rhino, Overdrive 2099, and much more, though I am going by the wiki for the others.
Oddly enough, I never even seen Anti-Venom during my first thirty minutes, and yet I met Sloan, the villain Miguel/Spider-Man 2099 is after, instead replaced by Rhino. And it’s all downhill—no, it was downhill the moment I popped this game in and saw the visuals. Okay, Web of Shadows and Shattered Dimensions weren’t great to look at, but they were far from atrocious. But when a GBA game looks far better, and even plays better than this hunk of indescribable garbage, something is wrong. But visuals aren’t everything, right? Well I don’t normally mention graphics in my reviews anymore because the level of graphics today in games, and it can just be average, especially if there are no frame rate issues. Here, the amount of frames dropping was ridiculous, and it completely kills the gameplay!
Okay, okay, I lied…the gameplay was already dead before all of these issues! Remember how the other two Spidey games encouraged combos, jumping around and using your webs in inventive ways in combat, both defensive and offensively? Well, someone told the developers to shove those games right in the shredder, because the controls are horrendous. Spider-Man’s range is extremely short, hit detection can sometimes be difficult, you cannot web up enemies and only toss them, and your combos are extremely limited. I don’t feel like Spider-Man in this game. I felt more like Spider-Man in the Captain America game for the DS for crying out loud! Blasphemy, I know, but it’s the truth! When you make a game that makes even games like Maximum Carnage and Separation Anxiety more like real Spider-Man games, something is horribly, horribly, HORRIBLY wrong!
How about boss fights? Surely they can be entertaining, right? Oh you poor sap, you should know by now when gameplay is screwed, so are the boss fights. How so? Bosses far too difficult? Quite the opposite actually. I maybe got hit like 3 times at most, and the normal enemies and the annoying flying robots that will always hit you actually were far more difficult. How? Well, the pattern of the bosses is extremely easy to figure out: they charge towards you, jump. That’s it. Aside from that, when they fly away or try to shoot you, you just got to run behind them, or even in front, and the odds of them hitting you are absurdly slim. As such, it is boring.
There are at least differences between the two Spider-Men; I’ll admit that, but not enough to make this entertaining, especially when you have to navigate an absurdly horrible map system. You can get upgrades in the environments and markers on map, but good luck trying to find your way around it, because it is too horrendous and close up to your face, you will not know where you are going. I once even stupidly went in an entire circle thanks to it! You hate maps like Castlevania? Well at least you can see everything there! Here, I don’t know where I am going. Plus there are glitches, like when I didn’t know how to pass a blue wall, yet somehow, I crawled through an opening that I couldn’t even see. Want more? Try robots CLIMBING THE AIR! What more do you need when the robots can climb the air, not fly, CLIMB!
Just…I just wanted to relax and play a good, cheap game. Instead, I get tortured and am very hesitant in even trying the console version. Developers, just because you focus on the main consoles don’t mean you should ignore the little ones. If you can’t even make it good, then do not even bother and force reviewers like me to play this piece of ****, torture themselves, and make them hesitant to play anything with the Spider-Man name on it. This is inexcusable, especially when there Spider-Man games years ago that are ten times superior to this title.
Thirty minutes…No, I pretty much gave it enough to be a review! At least Orphen had more content and I could play two hours before quitting. You want a score? 1 out of 5 and that’s only because I can’t give it a 0 or a negative number! And the real sad part is that the number of pictures I could find for this game were absolutely miniscule, and I’d rather not use pictures IGN picked up.